he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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