Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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