So drunk its hurt
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
