My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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