sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
