ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
