Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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