Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
