Don't make out with my wife yet
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she peed on how many people?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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