I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
my liver is dry heaving
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
