Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
