If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
