The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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