you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize