so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
