fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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