whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
