You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
