FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
