oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
