i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
