I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
