During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Even my vagina gasped.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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