Someone shit on the floor
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
