after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
why is half of my head shaved?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
