I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
