lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
