Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
