Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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