he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
