i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
