amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
