I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
