So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
