I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
