I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
