In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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