He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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