I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
