Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
