someone threw a dead crab at me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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