the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
