Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm getting married
To pizza
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
