GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
