I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
