hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
