My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
