Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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