that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
