K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
