Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
