Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's like iHOP with fire
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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