I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize