if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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