Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize