Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
