mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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