I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
