I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
