Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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