she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
