I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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