I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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