sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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